My mother passed away on Jan 13, 2019. She was diagnosed with liver cancer on Dec 3rd, 2018, went into the hospital on Dec 10th and died on Jan 13th. My brother and I were in the room with her when she died. My sister didn't want to be with us. She said she had said her goodbyes and it was enough for her. I am forever grateful to my brother for being there with me. I keep thinking what if there were only the two of us siblings, my sister and I? I  would've been alone in that room watching my mother take her last breaths. My mom actually told me she didn't want me there. It was the last coherent thing she said to me. I told her hers was the first face I ever saw and it was my honour to stay with her to the last. She squeezed my hand and nodded as she closed her eyes. My brother and I went out for dinner with our father, who is divorced from our mother, and my family. Our cousin stayed with my mom while we were out. When we got back, Doris said that Mom had trouble breathing and the nurses propped her up which worked for a while. Then, she started gasping again and the nurses lowered her bed and she seemed to breathe better again. The first thing I noticed when I got back into Mom's room was that her eyes had black splotches on them. It was a bit nerve-wracking, like a horror movie when the alien takes over a human body and you can tell by the black oily substance in the eyes. I had to go ask a nurse for some kleenex and I asked her about the black spots. I am grateful that she was very direct with me and said that the spots were a sign that it was the end. Things get a bit fuzzy after this. I know my mom had a hard time breathing. She was gasping for breath. I dont know how long it was before she took her last breath. I know I took a picture of my hand beside hers because our hands look so similar. I know I was frantically messaging my sister to tell her Mom was actually dying and where was she? The doctor had told us that as her body shut down, she wouldn't know that she was losing her senses. I remember I asked my brother if it was true, that Mom wasn't suffering? And we cried buckets of tears. Finally, a team of nurses came in to check her pulse and one looked at us and told us she was gone.
Whenever people told me about being in the room with someone when they die, they say that it was so peaceful, so serene. My experience was not peaceful. I dont know why Mom's death was like that. I dont know why she was gasping out her last breaths. I wish I knew if she was in pain or scared.
Im not going to write today about her funeral. That is a story for another day. My situation is unique in that my mother was a Jehovah's Witness. I was raised in that religion/cult and then, disfellowshipped from it 15 years ago. Disfellowshipping is similar to the ex-communicating practice in the Catholic church. Jehovah's Witnesses teach that a disfellowshpped person is to be shunned by all loyal Witnesses, even family members. This will make the sinful person feel the weight of their sin and repent and come back to the fold. My mother did shun me for awhile and then, when my children were born, we saw her regularly. After she retired, she moved about an hour away from us and communication started to break down. My mother also battled depression. She would go for months avoiding her friends and children. At the time of her hospitalization, I hadn't spoken to my mother in probably 10-12 months. I actually found out about her cancer diagnosis from my sister. However, there was no question of me going to the hospital when she was admitted.
So, I am mourning who my mother was when my children were little. Im mourning who she had to become when she married my father and became a dedicated follower of that religion/cult. I dont miss talking to her because we didn't. She wasn't someone I could count on for advice or comfort. I still grieve. I miss her horribly. I love her so much.