My mother passed away on Jan 13, 2019. She was diagnosed with liver cancer on Dec 3rd, 2018, went into the hospital on Dec 10th and died on Jan 13th. My brother and I were in the room with her when she died. My sister didn't want to be with us. She said she had said her goodbyes and it was enough for her. I am forever grateful to my brother for being there with me. I keep thinking what if there were only the two of us siblings, my sister and I? I  would've been alone in that room watching my mother take her last breaths. My mom actually told me she didn't want me there. It was the last coherent thing she said to me. I told her hers was the first face I ever saw and it was my honour to stay with her to the last. She squeezed my hand and nodded as she closed her eyes. My brother and I went out for dinner with our father, who is divorced from our mother, and my family. Our cousin stayed with my mom while we were out. When we got back, Doris said that Mom had trouble breathing and the nurses propped her up which worked for a while. Then, she started gasping again and the nurses lowered her bed and she seemed to breathe better again. The first thing I noticed when I got back into Mom's room was that her eyes had black splotches on them. It was a bit nerve-wracking, like a horror movie when the alien takes over a human body and you can tell by the black oily substance in the eyes. I had to go ask a nurse for some kleenex and I asked her about the black spots. I am grateful that she was very direct with me and said that the spots were a sign that it was the end. Things get a bit fuzzy after this. I know my mom had a hard time breathing. She was gasping for breath. I dont know how long it was before she took her last breath. I know I took a picture of my hand beside hers because our hands look so similar. I know I was frantically messaging my sister to tell her Mom was actually dying and where was she? The doctor had told us that as her body shut down, she wouldn't know that she was losing her senses. I remember I asked my brother if it was true, that Mom wasn't suffering? And we cried buckets of tears. Finally, a team of nurses came in to check her pulse and one looked at us and told us she was gone.
Whenever people told me about being in the room with someone when they die, they say that it was so peaceful, so serene. My experience was not peaceful. I dont know why Mom's death was like that. I dont know why she was gasping out her last breaths. I wish I knew if she was in pain or scared.
Im not going to write today about her funeral. That is a story for another day. My situation is unique in that my mother was a Jehovah's Witness. I was raised in that religion/cult and then, disfellowshipped from it 15 years ago. Disfellowshipping is similar to the ex-communicating practice in the Catholic church. Jehovah's Witnesses teach that a disfellowshpped person is to be shunned by all loyal Witnesses, even family members. This will make the sinful person feel the weight of their sin and repent and come back to the fold. My mother did shun me for awhile and then, when my children were born, we saw her regularly. After she retired, she moved about an hour away from us and communication started to break down. My mother also battled depression. She would go for months avoiding her friends and children. At the time of her hospitalization, I hadn't spoken to my mother in probably 10-12 months. I actually found out about her cancer diagnosis from my sister. However, there was no question of me going to the hospital when she was admitted.
So, I am mourning who my mother was when my children were little. Im mourning who she had to become when she married my father and became a dedicated follower of that religion/cult. I dont miss talking to her because we didn't. She wasn't someone I could count on for advice or comfort. I still grieve. I miss her horribly. I love her so much.

ADHD and we 3

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 40 years old. I pursued a diagnosis because both my children were diagnosed with ADHD. One of the first things I learned as I started to research this diagnosis was that it "ran" in families. I recognized so many symptoms of ADHD in myself. The diagnosis literally changed my life. It made me make sense. Finally, I knew why I was so smart and yet so dumb! Im book-smart. I used to think I had a photographic memory. During a test, I could remember where in the book I had read the answer. I love Jeopardy! However, socially and emotionally Ive always been behind others my age. I was described as "naive" and "child-like". I didnt understand that people could be one way to my face and another way behind my back. I could be too loud, too frantic, too emotional in social settings. Executive functions dont develop at the same rate in children with ADHD as they do in children without ADHD. Executive functions include the ability to regulate emotions, body, impulses, social awareness, and general maturity. According to the world-renowned expert on ADHD, Dr. Russell Barkley, the brain of a child with ADHD develops approximately 30% behind schedule. Imagine the trouble a girl could get into if she has the body and hormones of a 12 year old but has the social awareness and impulse control of a child of 7 or 8? I could finally forgive myself for all the mistakes I had made in my teens and early 20's. And I honestly thanked God that I hadnt gotten into more trouble. 
Im also grateful for my diagnosis because I understand my children a lot more. I am able to extend grace when my daughter blabs a secret or who declares that her best friend is someone 4 years younger than her or still wants to play with dollies and Barbies when all her friends the same age as her are starting to experiment with makeup and make eyes at boys in their class. I explain to both my children that our brains work differently so sometimes it's hard for us to focus on something that isnt really interesting to us or sometimes we get so focussed on an activity that we do love, that we cant transition to doing something else. And sometimes we'll keep talking even though we've been told to be quiet or while the teacher is speaking even though we know we shouldn't. Doing these things doesn't make us bad people. And it isn't our fault if other people dont understand why we do or dont do certain things. We aren't responsible for their opinions. All we can do is educate our friends how our brains work. 
That's kind of how I look at most things that are considered taboo. Why is it unacceptable to speak about mental illness? Why cant we talk about how my brain processes things differently than yours? Why dont we discuss what medications we take so we can lower the bad effects of the symptoms of our mental illnesses? Well, I talk about all those things, to anyone who will listen and some that dont want to. And Im raising my children to do the same. No one is taken aback if you are diagnosed with diabetes and must take insulin so Im going to talk about my diagnosis of depression, anxiety and ADHD and that I take medications called duloxetine (Cymbalta) and lisdexamfetamine (Vyvanse). 

So, I can't remember if I said this or not, but this blog is mostly for my mental health. I dont expect anyone to read it. With that in mind, I want to say that Im just coming out of a deep funk. It started with my SIL's funeral in April. I started to think about how young she was and the things she did and didn't get to do. (Judy died of cancer at age 45. She fought it 3 times before it was inoperable and won the battle.) Now that 40 is just a blink away, I struggle with aging and what I've done with my life. Let's be serious, alot of my concerns are because I'm vain! I dont want to be crepe-y skinned and wrinkley and gray-haired. And I feel that I wasted a lot of the best years of my life being worried that I was fat and unattractive. And I was SO BURDENED DOWN with guilt because of my lifestyle that I didn't enjoy what I was doing. And what does happen after we die? I was raised to believe that we are asleep when we die. And when God decides, the "good people" will be raised up to a life of good things on a Paradise Earth, while the "bad people" will stay forever asleep. An eternity of nothingness. I can't handle that! I can't wrap my mind around it! I think that must be why people have come up with the idea of heaven and hell or reincarnation. Because those ideas, especially reincarnation, make it easy to do what you want to do and not suffer the consequence of being nothing or in hell. I mean really, the Catholic Hell is a horrible place!
So, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I've been disfellowshipped for almost 10 years now. I will never go back. I wont raise my children that way. I find that the older I get, the more I love the ideology of relegion. Just as I love the philosophy of Socialism. The whole belonging to a community where you have a purpose calls to me. But I've decided Im not humble enough to consider reinstating myself as a Jehovah's Witness. And I dont want to start fighting with my husband about EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, I really shot myself in the foot on one account: as much guilt as I carried about thinking about breaking all the laws when I was a baptized member of the Jehovah's Witnesses is as much guilt as I carry now for doing those same things. I know with all certainty that I will not be one of those "good people" called forth to live forever... WHEREVER! And that leaves me with WHAT WILL I BE DOING!? And WHERE will I be doing it?
I cannot actually wrap my head around Heaven. An eternity of floating around being angelic doesn't sound fun to me. It makes sense to me that God would put us in a place where we would fit. Where we could continue living and loving and laughing. He would just take away all the crap. The JW's idea of a cleansed Earth feels right to me. Yes, some will go to Heaven but they will be the government that watches over the humans on Earth. Makes sense to me. '
Ok the other thing that I can't grasp is the Christian idea that Jesus loves me no matter what! I can't believe that he looks down here and sees me... well, being sinful and still wants me to be with him. And honestly, the problem is that I dont want to stop doing what Im doing. And I mean, it's not murder or grand theft auto or whatever. But I have to admit I've lusted after my neighbour's husband here and there! And who doesn't want to beat their children into submission??? Anyway, I tell you I worry at 3AM that I am damned. And, as I mentioned, I know what to do and dont want to do it. *sigh*

Day One

I read alot of blogs. Blogs on fashion for curvy, plus sized girls. Blogs about healthy food for my family. Blogs about wheat-free food for my son who may or may not have a wheat allergy/intolerance. Im addicted to Pinterest so I come across alot of articles about crafts I can do with my kids and how to discipline without ruining them, etc. What I dont see a lot of is blogs about working mums that are just trying to keep it together. I work Tuesday to Friday. My husband works Monday to Friday. My son is in preschool two mornings a week and both my kids go to daycare from Tuesday to Friday. My house is clean about 80% of the time. At least the dishes are done and the bathrooms aren't filthy. Doors are for closing so I dont worry about beds being made or untidy bedrooms. Our living room looks like a cross between ToysRUs and a restaurant most of the time. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We struggle to raise moral, compassionate, generous, NICE kids without beating them into submission. We also struggle to keep a balance between a mutually successful sex life and a solid 7 hours of sleep a night. What really tipped me over the edge to actually sitting down and writing this was when my son's teacher suggested he get tested for ADHD. I had asked her if it was necessary. When she said that it wouldn't hurt, I was stunned and a little sad. And I did what most mothers of my generation do when their child is "sick". I sat down at the computer and googled ADHD, the symptoms, the signs, "cures" and, boy, let me tell you! There is ALOT of info out there! One thing that kept coming up was that mums with sons who were diagnosed ADD, ADHD or even on the autism spectrum had success with taking the children off wheat. I decided then and there to go wheat-free. This is my story to help working mums who want the best for their kids and themselves.