So, I can't remember if I said this or not, but this blog is mostly for my mental health. I dont expect anyone to read it. With that in mind, I want to say that Im just coming out of a deep funk. It started with my SIL's funeral in April. I started to think about how young she was and the things she did and didn't get to do. (Judy died of cancer at age 45. She fought it 3 times before it was inoperable and won the battle.) Now that 40 is just a blink away, I struggle with aging and what I've done with my life. Let's be serious, alot of my concerns are because I'm vain! I dont want to be crepe-y skinned and wrinkley and gray-haired. And I feel that I wasted a lot of the best years of my life being worried that I was fat and unattractive. And I was SO BURDENED DOWN with guilt because of my lifestyle that I didn't enjoy what I was doing. And what does happen after we die? I was raised to believe that we are asleep when we die. And when God decides, the "good people" will be raised up to a life of good things on a Paradise Earth, while the "bad people" will stay forever asleep. An eternity of nothingness. I can't handle that! I can't wrap my mind around it! I think that must be why people have come up with the idea of heaven and hell or reincarnation. Because those ideas, especially reincarnation, make it easy to do what you want to do and not suffer the consequence of being nothing or in hell. I mean really, the Catholic Hell is a horrible place!
So, I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I've been disfellowshipped for almost 10 years now. I will never go back. I wont raise my children that way. I find that the older I get, the more I love the ideology of relegion. Just as I love the philosophy of Socialism. The whole belonging to a community where you have a purpose calls to me. But I've decided Im not humble enough to consider reinstating myself as a Jehovah's Witness. And I dont want to start fighting with my husband about EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, I really shot myself in the foot on one account: as much guilt as I carried about thinking about breaking all the laws when I was a baptized member of the Jehovah's Witnesses is as much guilt as I carry now for doing those same things. I know with all certainty that I will not be one of those "good people" called forth to live forever... WHEREVER! And that leaves me with WHAT WILL I BE DOING!? And WHERE will I be doing it?
I cannot actually wrap my head around Heaven. An eternity of floating around being angelic doesn't sound fun to me. It makes sense to me that God would put us in a place where we would fit. Where we could continue living and loving and laughing. He would just take away all the crap. The JW's idea of a cleansed Earth feels right to me. Yes, some will go to Heaven but they will be the government that watches over the humans on Earth. Makes sense to me. '
Ok the other thing that I can't grasp is the Christian idea that Jesus loves me no matter what! I can't believe that he looks down here and sees me... well, being sinful and still wants me to be with him. And honestly, the problem is that I dont want to stop doing what Im doing. And I mean, it's not murder or grand theft auto or whatever. But I have to admit I've lusted after my neighbour's husband here and there! And who doesn't want to beat their children into submission??? Anyway, I tell you I worry at 3AM that I am damned. And, as I mentioned, I know what to do and dont want to do it. *sigh*